The Relational Sandwich

If you are a parent, it’s inevitable that there will be a breach in relationship between you and your child, where their behavior is making it difficult for you to connect with them on the same level you used to. This can be a tricky subject to bring up to your child, especially if you are aware that your child’s behaviors may be due to family stress. But it needs to be talked about because you want to stop further damage to your relationship. So how do you approach a sensitive topic like ‘this thing you do is hurting our relationship?’

Here’s how I used to handle it: “this is how I want to fix it, and you need to do xyz to fix it.” The problem is that this approach never worked in the long run. The reason is that when I went into a situation wanting to fix my child, my relational circuits were ‘off-line’ so to speak.  I was well-meaning in trying to restore the relationship, but my blunt way of speaking about the issue ended up creating even more distance between myself and my child. From my child’s perspective, hearing “you need to be fixed” didn’t put them in the relational frame of mind to truly listen to what I was saying to them.

To complicate things, usually when my child’s behavior had escalated to the point of breeches in relationship, I was ready for a fast fix. When I want a fast fix, I don’t really want to soft pedal things; I’d rather go in blunt and to the point.

I, like most parents would be, was eager for a different way to coach my kids toward better behavior. I was tired of only focusing on what’s gone wrong.  It took me a while to figure out that starting a conversation with a child by stating “You need to change” usually doesn’t go very well for either listener or speaker. We all can do better when we know better!

What if you could correct behavior that needs correcting, but still send the message that we are in this together?  In my later years, I came across something called the relational sandwich, that I think is just what we’re all looking for. When we’re working on problems in relationships, there is a formula we can use to get our point across, without sacrificing the relationship. In fact, when done correctly, we can actually strengthen the relationship! Remember the motto, ‘connection before correction!’ That’s at the heart of this method. The goal is sending the message that the problem is not more important than the relationship. The relationship is more important that the problem.

Here’s how it’s done.

You ‘sandwich’ two bids for connection between the piece that describes the problem. #1 Give examples of what the relationship was, how important it was to you. #2 Address the problem and then #3 how I would like the relationship restored. The conversation starts and ends with relationship and the problem is in the middle (sandwiched).  

#1 “I really loved how much fun you and I used to have (be specific).”

#2 “It would be great if you and I could find a way for you to let out your frustrations without saying mean things to me.”

#3 I know that you care about me and I know that we can have fun again, just like before”.

TIPS:

• Try to only focus on one issue at a time, and invite small changes.
• Wait until you are in a good place yourself, and not triggered by your child. Start the conversation when you are not angry or hurt.
• Look for signs that your child will be open to the conversation.
• Remember to not take things personally.
• Set your expectations realistically.
• When in doubt, really simplify the problem and make it very doable for them to change.

I’d love to hear how it goes when you try this!