MEET THE NEED: ACCEPTING “NO”

I don’t know anyone who likes to accept ‘no’ for an answer, do you? Even us parents get that internal churning feeling when we’re told ‘no’ about something in the grown-up world. And let’s face it, deep down, we all want what we want, when we want it.  How much more so for your child from hard places, coming from early trauma, neglect, and loss? These hurt children often react to ‘no’ with intense physical and emotional pain in a way that completely overwhelms their system, causing them to strike back with the intent to take parents down with them.

A simple ‘no’ from a parent or caregiver sends some children into a tailspin of defiant behaviors. Parents have no idea what underlying pain the child is feeling when all that is showing is the child’s anger. Other children shut down instead, saying, ‘that’s ok, no big deal, I didn’t really want it anyway.’ This response is tricky because it appears that the child is fine. It could be an indicator that the child is in the ‘freeze’ response (fight, flight, and freeze) and has shut down their emotions, but inside they are still very much distressed.

 Why can’t a child just trust a parent to know what’s best for them?

For those of us in the faith community, this question can reflect back to us and our own distrust of God-as-parent in some area or another, right? Do you always believe that God knows best for your life? How do you handle a ‘no’ from Him? From others? Maybe you can relate to your kids from hard backgrounds more than you originally thought? That would be me for sure!

One of the reasons accepting ‘no’ is so hard for a child from a trauma background is that, despite now living in a safe home with caring parents, the child often remains haunted by feelings of being unloved, unwanted, and uncared for in the past. And when the abuse/neglect happened to them before they were verbal, these memories get stored in their bodies absent conscious awareness of time and place.*

Research tells us these earliest memories of neglect and loss are buried deep within and are carried as vague impressions and feelings without clear events associated to them.* What can happen then is, a child can react to today's 'no’ by reliving all the ‘no’s’ of yesterdays gone by. A child can react to you saying ‘no’ at this moment while heaping on all the past times when they did not have what they needed. “No, you may not have a cookie 10 minutes before dinner time” feels to them like the years of having to go without any food for long periods of time. No wonder they freak out.

There are several proactive strategies to gently lead your child to accept no. I’ll focus on three which work preventatively not only for accepting 'no' but for any number of behaviors that stem from feelings of loss and pain. Again, these are pro-active, meant to build trust and internal resources before events occur. They are not stop-the-behavior-when-it-happens strategies. We can talk about those in later posts.

Offer lots of practice accepting ‘no’ in a gentle and kind way.

If meltdowns, whining, and screaming have been the ways your child communicated in the past, it may be the only thing she knows to do. Sometimes she needs to see an example of a better way, in order for her to understand what you expect. One of my favorite ways to teach new skills to a younger child is through role-playing with puppets or stuffed animals/toys. This turns into not only a great teaching/reinforcing lesson, but it is also an amazing connecting activity. Puppets or stuffed toys help to not make the activity about what they have done incorrectly in the past. The toys do all the talking; they do the hard work.

You start by ‘teaching’ one of the puppets/stuffed toys how to be gentle and kind when accepting no. Your child watches the puppet ‘practice’. Take turns with your child and let him also teach to a toy.  Then repeat with showing the toy the not gentle and kind way of accepting no. Here is where you can get as silly as you want to, demonstrating funny ways of not accepting no very well. Your child can come up with a few more ‘wrong’ ways and don’t be surprised if they may even include some of their own past behaviors. You and your child’s toy could then role play mom saying no, and child accepting no in a kind gentle way. The idea is to make it fun and connecting, not shaming.

Keeping it fun and silly when you practice will help in the real-life moment too by helping to diffuse the situation next time you do have to say ‘no’. The key to this kind of learning is that you do it when your child is calm and regulated and stop before it loses its appeal. Practice often with examples of what the "gentle and kind" way of accepting 'no' looks like, to reinforce positive behavior. Praise your child when you see any improvement in real life.

With older children, you could be on the lookout for books or movies, or TV shows that have characters exhibiting both “accepting no” and not “accepting no.” Use these as jumping-in points for a discussion on the topic. Remember to keep things light and silly and don’t force the issue. Be transparent and honest with your kids about your own struggles with accepting ‘no.’ Aren’t we all really just works in progress in this area anyway?

 Give lots of ‘yeses’ whenever you can. 

This is like 'money in the bank’ or in this case, good feelings in the bank. The more times you can say yes to even the little things, the better it will be when you have to ‘withdraw’ from the emotional bank by saying ‘no’. I have been guilty of telling my children ‘no’ just because it was easier for me, when really it would have been ok to let them have or do whatever it was they asked for. What helped me was to take a breath before answering their request, so that I have that extra time needed to think about it before the automatic ‘no’ that all of us parents sometimes get caught up in. This won’t make you a permissive parent, but it will open your eyes to more opportunities to say yes to them. Some families find success in creating a YES JAR. Once you fill your jar, tell your kids about it and be willing to say yes anytime they ask. Watch as Kayla North of Empowered to Connect discusses the simplicity of adding YES to your parenting toolkit.

 Seek God’s wisdom on the subject.

I’ve listed this last, but in my opinion, it needs to be first. And on-going. It’s a principle of parenting that our children (including foster and adopted children) can be reflections of us. Sometimes the behavior they exhibit that is the most triggering for us can tell us something about our own need for growth in an area. If your child has a hard time accepting ‘no’, and this is really disrupting the family’s harmony (and your harmony), take this as an opportunity to be self-reflective with God in prayer. Ask: Father, do I also have a hard time accepting ‘no’? Why is that? Help me to correct what I need to correct first. Then help me support my child to accept ‘no’, too.

There seems to be something very powerful about us working on our character first and then being the guide for our child. Remember, you can only take a child to a place that you yourself have been! God is there for you. If you are feeling a little like you have been given a lot of ‘no's in your life, ask God to show you all the ‘yes's' He gives you that you may not even be aware of! (And don’t forget to thank Him!)

Reference:

Van Der Kolk, B., (2015). The body keeps the score: brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma. New York: Penguin Books.